'That moment' when you should say goodbye to a friend

In our book 'You Should Be As Young As You Think, co-author Tim Drake makes a stunning observation. He says acquaintances can be divided into two camps - 'Radiators' and 'Drains'.

Radiators are people who beam a warm glow of energy and joy wherever they go. They are life-enhancing and a pleasure to be with.

Drains, on the other hand, are joyless and life-reducing. What's more, they suck the life out of their environment - and that includes their closest friends. As we say in the book "they are poisonous and to be avoided at all costs".

Here's an example of a Drain. A long time ago, I was a member of the Junior Chamber of Commerce. We had all sorts of members but most had an 'up-for-it' approach to life. Then one day a new member joined. She was not like the rest of us, and clearly had personal problems. In a great show of solidarity, everyone rallied round to integrate her and boost her confidence. Week after week, people made great efforts to help her in every way imaginable. From time to time, it seemed to be working and she would seem more confident only to slip back into introversion and depression once more.

Eventually, people assigned her to the 'Drain' category - for she had a classic joyless profile. However, one member, a generous and gregarious soul, persisted. She just wouldn't let go of the newcomer. She really took her under her wing and spent hours befriending her and coaching her. Needless to say, it was to no avail. A Drain is a Drain is a Drain. This lady defined herself by her misery. Unfortunately, our good Samaritan took so long to see this that, she too, began to get down and miserable.

Eventually she did let go of her millstone. I was there when it happened. She simply turned to the Drain and said that she could give no more, that she was completely and utterly exhausted emotionally and that she would now be turning her attention back to her husband and kids.

Drains, by definition, drain energy and life out of everyone around and it's important to recognise one when you see one and limit your time with them - or cut your ties entirely. Is this cruel? Maybe. But life is hard enough as it is, without having all your resources sapped by one selfish individual.

But, comes the question, how do you know when its time to cut the link? My answer is to listen closely to your instincts and then you'll know very well when the time comes. Again a brief example.

I was friends with a work colleague for a long time. And for a long time, I came away from evenings together feeling deflated and frustrated. He was also very opportunistic. Rich by birth, he paid for absolutely nothing, always expecting others to cough up with laim excuses about having forgotten his wallet etc, etc. However, as a friend, I accepted all of this until 'that moment' arrived. We were at a party and deep in conversation when suddenly the flow dried up. I think we both realised, at that moment, that we were not connecting, not on the same page at all. Simultaneously, I realised that this relationship was bad for me - and had been for some time. There were no arguments, no fights, no recriminations. The friendship was just over. This particular Drain no longer had hold over me - and we've not been back in contact since.